The Sex Trap
In my soon to be published book, Why Waiting Works, I attempt to explain The Sex Trap and this is where I get myself into some heated debates—mostly with my female friends. But try to stick with me and keep an open mind; I promise if you catch this it will help you avoid some pain and wasted time.
The problem starts with the differences in what men are looking for versus what women are looking for in dating and relationships. Here it is, at a very base level men want sex and women want security. Don’t kill the messenger. This difference in sexual agendas stems from the difference in the very nature of our biology. Women seek security because most eventually want children, and with them a committed husband and father.
This is where the trouble begins: right now the average American couple goes on three dates before having sex; but how well do you really know someone after only three dates? A person can pretend to be anyone for three dates. Anyone can be on their best behavior and be who you want them to be in that short amount of time to make you think that they could be “the one”. In today’s culture, many females, for fear of being alone and because they are jaded, are giving out the sex early in the relationship hoping that they will get the security (commitment) from a man later (ouch #sorrynotsorry). The Trap thickens: From a man’s perspective, when a woman offers you sex without commitment; it’s hard to turn down. It’s the equivalent of someone offering you free money. Men know deep down it’s supposed to cost us something—and I don’t mean money—so when it is offered without so much as even the promise of a commitment, it’s like “why am I saying no to this again?”
Sounds a little sexist right? I’m sorry but this is biology.
Men’s and women’s brains are wired very different; because of this having sex too quickly will usually end in one of two ways:
1) The woman will get attached; but then the man will get cold feet resulting in hurt feelings and a broken relationship.
Women, how often have you slept with a man that seemed into you before having sex; only to see him become distant after getting intimate? Right.
Now I imagine some women reading this will say, “no this isn’t true”; but speaking from my experience, if a woman will have sex with you she almost always wants to be in a committed relationship at some point afterwards. Eventually, this turns into waiting for a proposal...you can see where I’m going with this.
2) The other thing that happens too often is the new couple will continue to date and sleep together, and unless they got EXTREMELY lucky (on the level of someone that hit the lottery), they find themselves in a relationship with less than their ideal match.
So they have sex and it gets mistaken for love because something known as oxytocin (aka: "the love hormone”) gets released; and before they know it; they are stuck in The Sex Trap. The sex did what it was designed to do, connected them. They think that they are in love; but they hardly even knew each other! Now they are bonded—emotionally, chemically, physically. Then they live not-so-happily ever after wasting years of each other’s lives—sometimes, wasting their whole lives!
These are the economics of sex and why you see women in physical relationships with boyfriends that are dragging their feet saying things like “Girl, I don’t know when he’s going to propose.”
Well, I’m sorry to tell you, ladies; if you’re having sex with him he’s probably not in any rush. He’s not motivated!
Possibly the worst part of all is when The Sex Trap is full grown and one if not both people wind up losing physical attraction for the other (regardless of how good they look), wanting sex with other people instead of or at least in addition to their partner. I speak from experience here when I tell you, if you don’t connect with your partner on a deep level, (and this takes time to figure out) that person alone won’t be enough to satisfy you physically long-term. There’s more to a relationship than sex, but a couple’s sex life often reflects the state of their relationship. When couples stop having sex, or a person starts cheating, it is usually the symptom of being disconnected on a deeper level.
Here’s the kicker, in the long run you wind up having less sex than the person that exercised some self-restraint and waited to get to know the other person before bedding them. It’s like the trick that God played on us and it is The Sex Trap.
Now I’m sure some people will read this and tell me I’m wrong, but there are numerous studies extolling the benefits of waiting, plus we’ve all heard a million times “the sex stops after you get married.” No shit, that’s because you did it in the wrong order Sherlock!
All of this because you took the bait and fell into The Sex Trap, and it happens all the time! I mean the rate of divorce in this country alone tells us that we may be doing something wrong here.
In the next few weeks, I’ll be writing a series of blogs sharing my experiences and observations along with excerpts from my book in hopes of shedding some light on a very misunderstood; but vital to understand subject, and hopefully in the process help people avoid The Sex Trap. This is Why Waiting Works.
Join the conversation in the Why Waiting Works Community. Stay tuned.