Becoming a Man

When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child; and  I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:11

Up until now, I’ve put a lot of the responsibility on women for stopping the madness of the current dating and sex scene; but I’d like to shift my focus now and speak to the men. Guys, here it is:  It’s time to grow up, stop acting like frat boys, and start treating our women with the respect that they deserve. 

Anytime I talk about my faith, there’s always someone who wants to tell me how "all religions are the same" and how they all essentially say the same thing, “to love your neighbor as you love yourself”.  That seems to be the one thing that we can all agree on, religious or not, right?  It’s The Golden Rule

Since that's what we can all agree on, here’s my question, are you actually doing that? I mean really doing that?

I have friends of many different faiths that are devout in lots of ways; but too often they’re not so devout when it comes to sex outside of marriage. I know guys that go to church every Sunday—they wear the Jesus tee shirts, see the Christian movies, and are critical of people that cuss; but they're sleeping with their girlfriends.

So guys, again I'll ask you, are you really treating that girl that you are dating or “talking to” the way you would want your sister, your daughter, or your mother to be treated? Because guess what...they are that to someone. And if you are loving your neighbor as you love yourself that would include that mom or dad, sibling or child. They are YOUR NEIGHBOR. 

By not being a scumbag and bedding a woman as fast as she would let me, I began showing respect and honor not only to that female; but to every other person in her life that cared about her. 

Every time I had sex with a girl in the past, deep down on some level, I knew that I was having sex with someone's future wife. Not a great way to “love your neighbor as you love yourself”. Guys, if you’re sleeping with a girl that you aren't sure that you’re going to be with for the long term, (and if you haven't proposed there's a good chance it's because you're not sure), then this is exactly what you are doing. 

I mean, haven't you ever had a problem with the ex of someone that you were dating? I know I have. Because sex is so much more than just a physical act. 

 I for one, wouldn’t want to walk into an establishment and see five people that the girl I'm dating or married to had slept with.  

Deep down, I think that it's because we know they took something that didn't belong to them. I'll put it like this: If I'm willing to put a ring on her finger and make her my wife; why did you get the goodies when you weren’t willing to man up? 

At least that's the question I wrestled with before in previous relationships. Yet, here I was doing the same thing.  At some point I had to recognize that, even as messed up as the world is, that there was a problem going on and I was a part of it; and I had to stop contributing to the problem and start being part of the solution. Even if I was just one person that chose to start doing things the right way then it mattered. And it matters for you. 

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Listen, I don’t have children; but I can’t imagine how protective I will be if I ever have a daughter knowing how I was and how many men think. I will probably buy a gun and keep a shovel in my trunk when she starts to date. 

For those reading this that do have a belief in God or some higher power; imagine how God thinks about about His daughters. By establishing some healthy parameters around sex, namely marriage; He was essentially saying “No you don't get to sleep with my daughter unless you are going to commit to taking care of her, sacrifice for her, and promise to be around for a life time.” 

Right now, in our society, volunteering has become a fad. I see a lot of celebrities and even close guy friends out there giving back and doing good in the community. I applaud that, the world needs more people doing it. 

But why not go even further with it? Instead of talking about how much you’re doing and giving back to be congratulated and told what a good person you are; how about stop creating problems? Because sex before marriage does create problems. Even if you just look at it on a purely base level, sex before marriage causes things like abortion, STD’s, single-parent homes, loveless relationships etc. 

There’s a saying from the Torah that states “obedience is better than sacrifice”.  It means that being obedient to God is better than doing things that we would consider a sacrifice. I believe it's because obedience is harder, obedience costs us more than sacrifice. 

With volunteering, we get a payoff; it often makes us feel good, people sing our praises and they give us pats on the back. 

Obedience, on the other hand, doesn't feel good a lot of times, and is usually counter-cultural. It's only much much later that there's a pay off… if ever. 

Instead of people congratulating you, you will get people tell you that you are stupid. The difference here is looking good to other people versus looking good to God; I’ll take the latter, thank you. but here’s the real kicker, if we had obedience we wouldn't need sacrifice.  Sacrifice fixes a problem; obedience removes the problem from needing to be fixed. 

It's like the movie with the drug dealer giving out turkeys on Thanksgiving. Yes, he's making a sacrifice and looks like a hero; but he's also poisoning the people in the neighborhood by selling them drugs. If you really want to make the world a better place, stop creating problems for other people to have to clean up—just start with yourself.

I want to be the kind of guy now that will be thanked by the men that my female friends end up marrying. “Thank you for helping my wife navigate her way to the altar and to me”. 

Men, these are our women and it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to treat them like the prizes that they are. Otherwise, you are just contributing to the problem and a broken system, and it makes all of us suffer. Grow the f*#k up! Be willing to stand for something even if it costs you something to do it. Everything worth having does. A leader does what is right even if it's unpopular or people call them crazy. You will never influence the world trying to be like it.

In the coming weeks leading up to Why Waiting Works being released I will be writing more blog posts sharing my experiences and observations. I will also be sharing excerpts from the book to help shed some light on a very misunderstood but vital to understand subject, in the hopes that this helps people gain clarity into the practicality of waiting. 

Join the conversation in the Why Waiting Works Community. Stay tuned. 

Rob Kowalski